Dear Lily

I've been having a hard time adjusting

I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back

I have a lot of regrets about that

 

Pulled the car into the driveway and looked out

I followed my fears and didn't get out

And maybe I don't quite know what to say

But I'm here in your driveway

 

I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying

I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying

 

She lied and told you all of my cages were mental

So I got quiet and wasted all my potential

because my silence keeps her from getting so mad

I have a lot of regrets about that

 

You were my world, shaped like a sphere

I didn't stand up for us, and we ended up here

Pouring out my heart to my family

But I didn't pour the whiskey

 

I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying

I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

 

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound

It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I miss is you

You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

 

And I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying

(And maybe I don't quite know what to say)

I just wanted you to know

That this is me trying

At least I'm trying

Finding JOY

FROM DRAFT - 02/05/2013

There is NOTHING that gives me greater JOY than to see peace in my son's soul. He truly has grown to become a strong, silly, thoughtful, PRESENT little 4 year old. If only I could see life the way he does. Yesterday he told me that before he was in my belly, he was in Jesus' heart. I asked him what he did there and he said. "I was in God's story!" And I have no doubt that this is isn't true. God sure knew what he was doing when he sent our Caiden to us.

Things to do besides being on your phone…

Something I never planned on as a parent was how much phones would be a part of our lives. When the boys were younger and didn't have access to technology (they didn't have their own iPad until 3rd grade) it was easy to keep them distracted with other activities. We would create things, build legos, do puzzles, take road trips, play outside or watch movies and that's all they knew. Once technology was introduced, it completely changed the way we relax and spend our down time. 

Caiden didn't get his first cell phone until Christmas in the 6th grade. He was known at school as being "the iPad kid" so we broke down and gifted him with his first phone. He loved it and we began monitoring his activity. The group messaging started and he loved being able to stay in touch with friends. Not only did he text and call friends throughout the day but he would also facetime with buddies to do homework and study together. These are things I don't have a problem with at all, staying in touch with real life friends. 

Even though we have not allowed them to use any social media platforms (other than BeReal), most of their spare time is spent on their devices either messaging/facetiming with friends or watching YouTube. What's frustrating that even after all the years we spent not allowing them to use technology, checking their iPad/phone often became a bad habit very quickly. I don't blame this on anyone and I actually feel like we have the advantage as parents, to be able to teach them responsible phone usage while they are living under our roof. Our parents didn't have that luxury. By the time social media was introduced we were out of the house and left to establish our own boundaries and define what a healthy relationship with our phone was. Even now I set timing limitation for certain websites, I limit myself to 1 hour per day for facebook/IG and TikTok and hold myself accountable for not extending the time limit I set.

I do have time limits set for YouTube for the boys and for the most part they never ask for more time. The problem is when their time is up, they get really board really fast. To help combat this, I created a short list of things to do besides being on our phone and wanted to share here.

·         Read a book

·         Clean or organize your room

·         Exercise

·         Do your laundry

·         Do a puzzle 

·         Play a board game

·         Play solitaire 

·         Shoot hoops 

·         Study for a test

·         Invite friends over to swim

·         Paint

·         Ride bikes 

·         Learn a new craft 

·         Bake something 

·         Set things aside for the next garage sale

·         Make a pile of things to donate

·         Plan a meal

·         Go for a walk or run

·         Make a photo collage

·         Make a vision board or scrap book 

·         Watch an old movie 

·         Plan a vacation

·         Plan a day trip

·         Write a birthday card or thank you note

10 Years Later

 Woah. So much has happened in 10 years, where do I start?!

We lost someone very dear to us on Sept 1st, 2019, our loving, larger than life Aunt Theresa. She left a huge mark on us all and we miss her so so much, it doesn’t seem real that she’s gone. 

Uncle Bill Murphy passed away in July 2020. Another ‘giant’ gone too soon. I’ll never forget his hugs. He was a character, always making people laugh and loved his family fiercely. 

Mara gave birth to August in August 2016 and he passed away from SIDS in September. It was horrific. A mother should never have to bury their child. I never got to meet him but I know he’ll be in heaven waiting for us with the rest of our family. 

Just this summer, in July, Leilani and Nami’s dad passed away tragically and unexpectedly. Mary’s partner and her best friend. I can’t describe the sadness I feel for them, but Mary has been on a mission to show her girls the proper way to grieve and I am so unbelievably proud of her.

Micah is in the 4th grade, getting straight A’s. He loves soccer RC cars, movie nights and technology. 

Caiden is in 7th grade, working hard to get into the Beta Club at his school and plays football - he’s one of the two kickers on the team and is KILLING it! He also learned how to slalom ski this summer, picked it up like a champ!

This is my 17th year with Veterans United and Jered’s 10th year. We’re moving into a new building in a few short months and we can’t wait to see what opportunities open up with the new community we’ll be a part of. 

In March 2020, the COVID pandemic spread and everyone in the world (pretty much) had to quarantine. Schools shut down, kids did e-learning at home and they ended up not going back to school at all after March. It was awful. Work was crazy, rates were super low and it was our busiest year to date. Looking back I have no idea how we made it through. 

We purchased a fixer upper on the lake and rehabbed it top to bottom. Initially it was supposed to be a rental property but we love it so much, we just kept it as our second home. It truly is our happy place and we try to get down there at least every other weekend if not more.

My journey with endometriosis has been awful. Even today I’m still in pain almost all the time. I am dealing with complications from surgery last December and kind of at a crossroads with what to do next. The thought of another surgery gives me major anxiety and the thought of continuing to live like this almost puts me into a panic attack. It’s a lose lose situation. I’m just trying to get through my days with a smile on my face. 

My favorite thing to do is watch my boys do things they love and watching them play sports. I love spending time with all my nieces and nephews, there’s no better feeling in the world. 

My days are mostly the same - school, work, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, organizing, watering flowers, bedtime and then wake up and do it all over again. Days at home are still the best, despite the boys arguing pretty much constantly : /

I’ve read a lot of books lately; 28 Summers, Where the Crawdads Sing, Love and Other Words, Verity, Winter in Paradise, One for the Murphy’s,The Great Alone, Spilled Milk, Last House on Needles Street Definitely and Reminders of Him. Reading is definitely my favorite pastime and I always take a piece of each book with me in some way. 

I have so many hopeful and dreams, things I want to create and do, I’m just waiting for the right time. 

Until next time,

K

Sonome's 3rd Birthday!

 It's not too often the kids are able to see each other outside of school! Sonome has invited everyone to the park to celebrate her 3rd birthday. She had actually just left to go to a new school a few weeks before this so Caiden was so excited to see one of his best friends again!

 

Caiden and Darby, he always talks about how someday he's going to be 4 just like her!

 Thomas and Jacob!

 Micah got to be part of the festivities too! Just a few days later was his first day at school with his big brother and new friends!

Longboat Key, FL

May 2012

Because I made the mistake of scheduling our wedding date on May 9th, each year we celebrate my birthday, our anniversary and Mother's Day all in the same week. We decided that instead of celebrating each day separately we try and plan a vacation around the same time to hit three birds with one stone! Lucky for Jered and for me!

This year we decided to go to Longboat Key, FL. The flights are direct from Greenville and super cheap so why not?! About a week before leaving, we started talking to Caiden about taking a plane ride to the beach and he was so excited. He told his friends at school that he was going to wave at them from the airplane in the sky, haha. The last time we went to the beach Caiden was just 10 month old so he wasn't sure what to expect.

This was Caiden's 4th flight so we've almost got it down to a science. Some snacks, a sticker book and his epi-pen and we're all set! Jered even recorded a movie on his i-phone - like literally recorded it from a DVD player to save the $3 it would take to download it online. So we had that for back up in case Caiden got restless.

We arrived to Florida in the late afternoon so plenty of time to head straight to the beach, toy farm animals, floaties and all. Just as we thought he would, C loved it. He spent a lot of the time chasing birds up and down the beach and playing in the sand. He wasn't the biggest fan of the waves quite yet, but we knew he would warm up to them eventually.  

We have realized lately that these are the last few months that we have with just Caiden before his little brother joins our family so we really wanted the week to be all about Caiden and letting him just enjoy, learn and explore - and that he did. We made sand castles, took a long walk down the beach as he chased the birds along the way, found a big hole that possible was made by a sea turtle laying her eggs, chased the waves and swam in the pool as much as we could. Swimming was probably Caiden's favorite thing to do the whole weekend. When he first got in he just laughed and laughed, splashing and spinning around and soaking up all the fun! This made for one tired little guy by bedtime! They had a couch that pulled out into a bed so that's where he slept, and it was perfect. A few pillows around the edge to keep him from falling off and he was all set. We weren't sure how it would go since we all shared the same room but he would just sing and talk out loud to himself for 10 or so minutes until finally falling asleep. Every so often he would look over at us and give us a sweet little smile.

I loved sleeping in the same room because we would hear him start to wake up in the morning, he would talk to himself about "Bert the Bird" and other things that were on his mind until he was ready to come over and snuggle with us. He even slept in until about 8:30 every morning - which was GREAT!

We ate breakfast and lunch at the hotel and most night we went out on the town to try out the seafood! The first night we went to Dry Dock - right by the water and it was DELISH! The ladies at the table next to us kept looking over at Caiden and saying what  good boy he was. Even a guy at another table told us we have a genius on our hands - he said Caiden communicated better than most kids he knew and was very well behaved - that's our little man and we are so thankful we can take him to a nice restaurant without him disturbing others around us.

On our anniversary we went to the Mote Aquarium where we saw a manatee eating lettuce, tangs eating broccoli and a dolphin doing flips in the air - along with much more! Caiden couldn't get enough of it and still talks about it. I love going to places like that with my boys because Jered is so good at explaining to Caiden what things are and even exploring the touch tank and letting Caiden feel some of the star fish and other sea life. Since I'm a little over 7 months pregnant, I had to take a few breaks so it was fun watching them run around and explore.

We had a great weekend and can't wait to go back! Next time we'll be driving the minivan since our family will grow by two feet :)

Rental House

Renting, bleh ~ September 2011

Lately we've been having problems with our rental home. This morning we got a call from our leasing agency saying there's a water leak coming from our sprinkler system. No big deal, we never use the sprinklers anyway so just shut off the valve and we're good to go, right? Well it turns our that the house is on a slab and the plumbing is UNDER the concrete. Sooo, now they have to tear out our kitchen to get to everything. Not good! Needless to say we're ready to move on and find a place of our own. We've been looking at homes for some time now - I'd say we've seen abpout 20 in person. It's been exhausting but we know in time we'll find something that will fit our family perfectly.